Day 3 - back in the groove

So today, has been an "off" day with a kiddo home with me. I'm going to make this short and sweet because my head is hurting.

Breakfast: 2 eggs with egg whites, oats with pumpkin pie seasoning, 2 strips turkey bacon
Lunch: salad with grilled chicken and cucumber and 1tbsp of dressing
Snack: Belvita with all natural peanut butter
Dinner: chicken breast with salad - 1 tbsp. dressing, peas and carrots

Exercise today was in the pool with Colton

I tried to go donate plasma, but they don't let kids go in.  I did meal prep for several days and grilled 5 different flavors of chicken breast for my salads. 

Still trying to conquer the water - but it's winning, and so my weight isn't budging yet.

That's about it. Night.

Workin' It - not to be confused with Twerkin' It

So, today, I rose bright and early - watched a video from Wet Wolf Training and chatted with my former trainer Nikki Mack a bit.  I'm starting over using my previous plan and working it since we have proven it works IF you work it! So, today's workout was as follows:

- Warm-up
- 15 Dumbbell Squats with 10 pounds in each hand
- 15 knee extensions with 40 pounds of weight
- 30 Dumbbell chest presses - 10 pounds each hand
- 30  Overhead Shoulder Presses - 10 pounds each hand
- Plank

Meals were as follows:
Breakfast - Oats with cinnamon and pumpkin spice, & protein shake
- Snack (Missed)
Lunch - 4 oz deli turkey, spinach salad with 1 tbsp.  raspberry dressing, 1/2 cucumber
Snack - 1 ounce of almonds
Dinner - 4 oz deli turkey, spinach salad with raspberry dressing.

My water intake today has admittingly SUCKED, but I do have a few more hours to float it in.

I meal prepped today and cooked all my turkey bacon for breakfast and portioned it. I bought what I need for the week - I'm thawing frozen chicken breasts that I will season, grill and bag tomorrow.

The cake cart made me feel resentful today - but I know I don't need any of that crap so I kept walking.

The female gym trainer is going to meet me early on Tuesday to get all of my measurements and I will share those when I have them. I also did the 12 minutes in the infrared machine that gets rid of stretch marks (fingers crossed on that one). 

Well, I think that's all, and now, I will spend some time with my hubby and get my MUCH NEEDED shower! :)

Well back at the grind - new place same face

Well, life has thrown a few curves, but we have rolled with them, and I'm CERTAINLY rolling!  As in OUT OF MY CLOTHES! so..... time to get back at it, and get this weight off.  On August 25th, I weighed in at 228.6 and went and joined Planet Fitness.  I did a 1 on 1 with a trainer, then did the 360 Circuit and finished with arms.  Friday, (and all weekend) I could barely walk, however I did go and walk 2.5 miles on the treadmill and a bit over 5 miles for the day.  I walked just shy of 5 miles on Saturday and Sunday, I allowed myself to rest. 

Today, I went to the gym with my husband and I did 3 sets of 10 seated rows, 3 sets of overhead pulldowns, glute pushbacks, 3 sets of leg presses at 100 pounds, 3 sets of 10 hammer curls, 3 sets of Tricep Kickbacks, I only managed 3 pullups on the ropes and walked 1/2 a mile.  It seemed like a chincy workout, but we went all the same. My legs do actually feel better after working out.  Just like last time, my knees are trying to NOT cooperate and keep trying to give out on me.  I'm drinking my water and floating!! Clean eating to come soon too - yay me.

These pics were taken this weekend.  They were taken in my bra and panties, however in an effort to be a bit conservative about my body, yet also candid in my journey, I have taken a paint it app and I painted on shorts and a sports bra to cover my clothing.

I will do my best to keep everyone updated daily in my blog as I did before, which will also help me stay accountable to my journey back to a healthier me! :) Feel free to follow along, comment, or join in on your own journey! 

Who I am.....Surprise!

I'm no longer going to blog about my weight.  Because honestly, right now, it is what it is.  It's a direct reflection of the emotions I've been feeling.  Well, as many of you know, I've attempted to get back on track with my weight-loss journey several times.  I've also failed miserably.  I can tell you what I've learned in the process.  It's not about losing weight at all.  It's about getting healthy - and I'm not even referencing exercise.

#1 Until you get real with yourself, you're not going to go anywhere! My weight roller-coaster isn't a fault, it's a cover-up and reflection of my emotions.  Let's be real....food is my drug of choice.  When I get stressed, or feel sad, discouraged, overwhelmed etc.  I eat to mask what I'm dealing with.  The truth is, food DOES release endorphins and who DOESN'T want to "feel good"? 

So, I'm seeing a counselor now.  She is a wonderful Christian lady whom I love dearly and I barely know her.  But from the moment I met her I was able to step up and be the real me.  She had no pre-conceived idea of who I am or what I do and therefore she had no expectations of me and I had none of her.  It was a nice clean slate if I say so myself!

This is a side of me that YOU don't know.  The "me" that each of my friends know is a much different "me" than I REALLY am. What exactly am I saying??   For instance, did you know I'm afraid of failure - or that if I don't do something perfectly, then you'll not ask me to do anything for you or trust me to do so.  I'm afraid of rejection - I'm afraid that you'll decide that you don't want to be my friend any longer - so I usually turn away from you first.  I'm very insecure about nearly everything - my weight, my clothes, my house, my car yes.....everything!  If I cry I think that you'll perceive me as weak - even though there are several times I walk away, drive away, or hang up and begin to cry....you can't see me - I wish I could be real with you about my feelings.  I try to be who you need me to be.  I dismiss your compliment - but I long to hear them.  I don't like hugs, but I really want one. 

Who is the person I think you want me to be?  The strong girl - the one who can keep her head high no matter what - pull it together and keep going no matter what.  And, if you thought less of me -  then I didn't do my job of staying in control of myself.  I let that little bit of emotion spill out.

Am I a depressed person?  No.  I just simply feel I have to be strong for everyone and keep everything together.  Inside the woman I am just wants to be real with you.

So, here it is: I am weak.  I'm not perfect.  I make mistakes, I cry, I hurt, I fail, I get annoyed, frustrated, peeved, irritated, cranky, bored, impatient, critical, leery, jealous, uneasy, timid, insecure, indecisive, detached and indifferent.  But that's not the only side of me.  So, please don't get hung up on that side of me.  I also love, I laugh, I smile, I'm upbeat, peaceful, open, friendly, hopeful, cheerful, optimistic, lively, playful and radiant.  I have the power to encourage people & lift their spirits. 

I'm learning it's ok to just simply express how I feel and there's no right or wrong to it.  God created us to be emotional beings.  It doesn't say if you cry then you're weak!  I hope to be able to one day share the emotions that I'm processing as I go through stuff with my counselor.  Until then, I would ask you to pray for me as I face my stuff head-on and get emotionally healthy.  Where I can focus on the truth of who God is calling me to be!

It's so easy to get caught on the "what we're nots" rather than the "who we ares". In Him, I am:

I am a child of God.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
I am complete in Him.
God's child - his masterpiece.
I am a treasured possession.
I am established in Him.
I hold words of grace and encouragement in my tongue.
I hold words of hope.
I am chosen.
I am forgiven.
I am redeemed and set-free.
I am pliable clay.
I am in the hands of "THE I AM".
I am being changed into His image - a New creation.
       

 

One year.....

Wow, 1 year can certainly contain a LOT of ups and downs.  One year ago today, I began my weightloss journey.  I started out at 227 pounds and lost down to 188 pounds.  It was SUCH an accomplishment for me to make it that far.  I had a lot of emotional roller-coasters including the death of a friend and coworker, and then the loss of Dr. Cohen and Ms. Nancy.  Never, EVER Did I think that I would lose so much in one year, and you never truly know how much people mean to you until they're gone. 

I can't say I was perfect on following my journey, but I can say, everything that I was learning was sticking with me - and I actually felt bad if I broke my plan, even though I still did it!  I've lost utter and complete control of all of my "plans".  My eating's been out of control, I've found myself a very cynical, bitter person who been RAPIDLY gaining weight.....well, let me say I've plateaued at a gain.  I now weigh  209.3 pounds.  That's right only 17.7 pounds down.  I've gained back 21.3 pounds in 3 months. 

I've found myself to be in a pretty miserable place lately, and I KNOW I've got to get my butt back in gear and do SOMETHING about it!  Nobody has control over it but me.  I don't want to set unrealistic goals for myself, so, rather than setting a "New Years Resolution", I'm going to set it now.... I want to match this years loss of 17.7 pounds by this time next year.  If I can go through everything I did this year and still end in a loss, then I'm better than where I started, and at least I started!  I should be further than where I am, but I'm further than I was.  So, here's to being 191.6 by next December if not sooner. 

If you've experienced "Me" lately, I'm sorry!  I'm working on it, and taking the MANY necessary steps to getting ME back to ME!  In the meantime, please understand, I'm aware of where I am, and I'm trying to get better!  Love you all!

Day 288 - Collision course to a new life

Well, I woke today weepy feeling.  I prepared myself that "I've got this".....little did I know.  My entire drive to work, the tears began to flow.  As I was getting out of my car, "The Hurt and The Healer" came on the radio....and that was all it took.  I walked into the daycare and was pretty well sobbing to the point that Ms. Mary-Jane began to cry too.  My "I got this" turned into, "God, I gotta' give you this".  I cried all the rest of the way to work.  When I pulled into the parking lot, I KNEW I had to gather myself and I went to visit my friends at Dr. Swauger and Wallace's office.  That def put a smile on my face!

I was good ALL DAY until I got a call from some people about a project I was working on for Dr. C about his plane prior to the accident.  And I feel SO SORRY for the lady on the other end of the phone as I hung up because I think we were BOTH in tears - I was.  Not my best moment, but it was a real moment - no mask.

The phrase "you never know what you have until it's gone" - well, it applies to people too.  I think it applies to people more than anything else.  I had a verse come to me, but I had no idea where to find it other than "the Bible" DUH....or....GOOGLE! BTW....It was John 15:13.  Little did I know that it was God's way of getting me to read further as to the circumstances surrounding that verse. 

15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. ⁹ “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. ¹⁰ If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. ¹² My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³ Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

 

I got such a beautiful image in my mind of each and every one of our team as being a branch of THE vine.  God is the real reason that we're all together.  Dr. Cohen realized this from day #1.  That if we as a team are to truly carry forth the vision that was given, we MUST keep our focus on God and keep His word FRESH in front of us, because apart from Christ we can do NOTHING!  Next we must LOVE as MUCH, as HARD and as UNCONDITIONALLY as we possibly can!  Each other and EVERYONE who God has ORDAINED to step into our paths for whatever reason!  IF we keep the same vision then we will bear fruit.  And when we begin to bear fruit God will get ALL of the glory.  Ever notice that you can't get fruit without a seed first being planted?  And once that seed has bloomed forth pure fruit of it's own those seeds can be used to be re-planted to produce more fruit....get my point? 

 

God was showing me in this that Dr. Cohen was just a branch bearing fruit.  In our team, and in countless others in the community, he planted seeds.  I just pray that we all allow the "growth & blooming" process to continue.  We need to be aware to which branches should be pruned to allow greater growth.  And when the blooming begins, we're preparing for more seeds to be planted.  Just because the original branch is no longer alive and producing doesn't mean that it's no longer responsible for new fruit. (like in the song....I'm alive even though a part of me has died)   And the Bible says that this new fruit is to HIS GLORY!! NOT OURS!! IF we continue to do this then His love will remain in us and us in Him and He will give us JOY - a complete joy!  WHY?? Because when God gets the glory, you will be blessed - and I'm NOT talking materialistically!  I'm talking a perfect love......and so as I sit here - a branch....I wait for that place where the hurt and the healer collide.  Where I can experience that perfect love....and bear fruit.....

 

hope that makes sense at 11:30 at night....lol!

 

      

 

Day 286 - Embrace the Race

My boss always told me that "running is a communist plot to ruin your knees"! I laugh as I remember this memory, because I can't help but to envision him and Nancy RUNNING into the arms of a loving Lord!

God has been persuing me for YEARS!! And baby let me tell you I've been RUNNING! Today, I decided to STOP and there He was and He....THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE was there to embrace ME!! Ya'll are gonna think that I've gone CRAZY PENTECOSTAL, and if that's the case SO BE IT!

I woke up before the chickens this morning, but things were different.  I was wide awake, I DIDN'T feel tired and I was LED to my Word.....WHAT?!?!?! Yes, I OPENED UP MY BIBLE!!  It all started with my Bible Study for Sunday School.  The day that I was given a week ago, hadn't touched it as I had wandered through my week in a fog.  It was all ordained but I wasn't ready....YET!  Back to today, SOMETHING was different.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT, but SOMETHING! 

I opened my Study book, "Discerning the voice of God" and the first thing to strike me was a quote "Two important prerequisites to hearing God clearly are to have an open vertical relationship with the Lord and be submitted to His plan for our lives."  Last week as I was at church, I prayed Lord, reveal yourself to me and make yourself real to me.  NEVER KNOWING what the week would hold!  As I walked through my week, HE seemed SO FAR AWAY! I was still running.....

I then read a scripture in the side-note of my study and it said "HE SPEAKS! He who has my commandments and keeps them is the one who loves me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and will dosclose Myself to him. John 14:21"  Weeks ago in our morning devotional, there was a scripture that was VERY similar to this and Dr. Cohen seemed to get kind-of stuck on the importance of the scripture.  You could tell it was something that God was speaking to him about.  Well this morning, God brought it back to my remembrance and the fact that it would be in the side-note of the day I was stunned that God would send a confirmation to me, that was just shocking!

I began to read on through the rest of my lesson, and came to another quote of "Everyone who is a believer is privileged to know the love of God.  However, an invasion of His manifest presence in the life of a believer and a deeper revelation of the person of God will come to those who choose obedience as the habit of their lives."  Boy did God invade my life today.  But before today, I can't say that I've EVER exactly recognized His love.  It's been there all along, but I've looked around instead of up and let me tell you earthly love will fail, but God's love NEVER fails! Obedience is SURELY a choice.  And I decided to "choose sides" today!

I read through the rest of my devotional and nothing jumped out.  So, I was ready to skip over and end my reading there.  But God kept telling me to look up the scripture part that we're supposed to read (the part I ALWAYS skip). My thought has always been, just put the scripture in the book and save me the time of having to look it up!  But this time, I obeyed.  I opened my Bible to 2 Chronicles 20:17-22.  READ IT!!

2 Chronicles 20:17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” 18 Jehoshaphat bowed down with his face to the ground, and all the people of Judah and Jerusalem fell down in worship before the Lord. 19 Then some Levites from the Kohathites and Korahites stood up and praised the Lord, the God of Israel, with a very loud voice. 20 Early in the morning they left for the Desert of Tekoa. As they set out, Jehoshaphat stood and said, “Listen to me, Judah and people of Jerusalem! Have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.” 21 After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his[c] holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying:“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.” 22 As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated.

God told me this morning that I DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE! I DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE AFRAID OR DISCOURAGED, the ONLY thing I have to do is GO where I'm supposed to go, and STAND, HAVE FAITH, and PRAISE HIM WITH ALL I AM and HE will take care of the rest!

So, KNOWING that I had to sing Mercy Seat, I was fearful that the MESS I've been this week was going to just come out in the middle of this song and that I was going to look like a fool! But I decided that God had a reason for EVERYTHING He's already orchestrated so I may as well obey.  At this point what did I have to lose other than my pride?  I stepped onto that stage and an OVERWHELMING PEACE came over me.  A DESIRE to pour myself out to MY GOD through that song, and somewhere in the midst of it, HE was pouring HIMSELF INTO ME!! I don't know how I made it through it honestly, and I can honestly say I didn't! 

The service today was about bowing before our God and allowing him to take complete control of our lives so we can fill in the gap.  And I can say I HONESTLY prayed "Lord, whatever it takes. Here I am....use me!" 

I came home and we had lunch, watched football and I laid down for the most peaceful and restful nap I think I've ever had! I woke up about 20 mins til' 6:00pm.  My spirit was overflowing at this point and I JUST HAD TO SHARE IT with a few of my very close friends.  God is Stirring my heart like no other right now.  I feel totally at peace with everything YES EVERYTHING!  No matter what... God's TRULY GOT THIS AND ALWAYS HAS! I feel like I could EXPLODE from the inside out! I feel like a glass of water that's full to the brim, and no matter HOW CAREFUL I AM, I know it's going to SPLASH OUT! I found myself LITERALLY laughing and crying at the same time today for NO GOOD REASON AT ALL, but it was actually peaceful!

A very close friend told me that God's going to fill me with His Holy Spirit, and I best not fight it.  And all I can say is "BRING IT ON GOD!" I'm running.....but this time it's in a new direction! I'm running TO God....and I'm not afraid! I will embrace this race....