Day 185 - Time to lift the curtain and reveal....

OK, have you ever asked yourself the question "what gives you the right to say______to me?" Well, I have had SEVERAL of those moments lately, and I have to admit that it's taken EVERYTHING within me NOT to just BLAST people with my thoughts or opinions.  Which to me says I'm apparently growing (a very very little) in this process of shrinking. 

When I read my devotional tonight, she NAILED it! Very fitting (as usual) to what I've been feeling and experiencing! 

She said (Lysa Terkeurst) that "if she felt she wasn't measuring up, she kicked into either withdrawal mode, or fix-it mode.  Withdrawal mode caused her to pull back from relationships, fearing others' judgements. & that she built walls to keep people at a distance.  OR - in fix it mode, she overanylized others EVERY word and expression and tried to manipulate the situations to her liking..."

I can SO TOTALLY RELATE to this.  I first kick into withdrawal mode (where I have been the past 2-3 days) and while in this mode, I build my wall and wait to see who cares enough to climb it.  It's a VERY DANGEROUS and lonely place to be.  The stupid thing I realized about my behavior is that most people don't have a clue that you're really hurting deep down, and they take it as you're just being a "B" and leave you to yourself.  I wish I could find that place to verbalize what I'm feeling instead of just in a blog.  Words on paper are easier to write than face contact saying "I don't have this - even when it appears I do."  You see.....I've been an actress from WAY on back!

I feel it's time to let my guard down and just be REALLY real....and just my REAL self and that to me is scary.  Scary because I can't anticipate how YOU will respond.  Anyway....IDK if this even makes ANY sense to anyone other than me! 
Breakfast: cereal
Snack: yogurt and apple
Lunch: salad and turkey bacon
Snack: protein bar
Dinner: egg "salad" with mayo, mustard, salt and pepper

My value is NOT defined by an opinion, by my past, by my circumstances, by my humanness or by my weight!
IF you see me kicking into "mask-mode" make me be real with you.  This is how "my friends" can help me grow in this process......and just being real, IF you're NOT here to support me - figuratively of course, (let me say this in the kindest way I know how) please leave, because I don't need people pulling me down. :)